MARRIAGE CHECKLIST
Can You Risk Not Knowing the Truth?

The Catholic Standard in Washington, DC runs an annual section on marriage, perhaps the most helpful edition of the year. However, no where mixed in with the nostalgic stories, preparation programs, pithy articles regarding Catholic principles, and attractive advertisements, is there any solid recognition that Christian marriage is in desperate trouble today. I may be guilty of some cynicism and exaggeration, but let me detail some of the concerns which make marriages difficult for priests.

• The bride's mother calls the priest on the phone because her daughter is timid and not really a churchgoer (at least the mother is not timid).
• A couple which wants to bring in their own priest becomes upset at local rules which require one of the parish priests to receive the vows; confused by these turn of events, they call their priest friend and announce that the local clergy feel he's unfit for their church.
• The bride's mother invites the priest for dinner to fatten his stomach and to soften his judgment, saying "Look here Father, I'm an expert on marriage, I've gone through it five times."
• The priest knows he is in trouble when he asks, "What makes Christian marriage different from other kinds?" and they simply answer, "It'll make it harder to get a divorce!"
• The couple does not understand marriage as a public sacrament or why the priest wants to marry them in their local church; after all, it would be romantic and novel to have it conducted in a pool while wearing scuba gear.
• The couple, who just met, wants to get married three days from next Wednesday and cannot understand why they must wait six months.
• The bride is no longer pregnant, but it is okay because she received pro-choice referral at her Catholic college (named later in this list?).
• The couple resists going through marriage preparation since it cannot improve their whoopee, which is great already. (Is that all there is?)
• The priest becomes suspicious when the bride translates a grunt from her immigrant boyfriend in twenty minutes of high speed English.
• The couple have been living together over a year and the priest only finds out when their answering machine squeals the truth over the phone.
• If the answering machine does not tell him, the priest gets a call after midnight from the groom with some last minute worry; when he fumbles the question, his fiancee rolls over in bed and takes the phone away from him.
• Not appreciating self-control, the couple frequently have sex, but can justify it since they are using every kind of contraception they can get their hands (or any other anatomical parts) unto.
• They maybe want children if it does not interfere with career goals, however, they would prefer a poodle.
• The bride's mother accepts that her only grandchild may be a pooch, but on the bright side, unlike a child, a dog is much easier to potty train, and if need be, put to sleep.
• The Catholic parties are not registered in any parish but they feel they have a right to a church wedding in any case because they are Irish, which is even better than being Catholic.
• The bride or her mother phone an unfamiliar, but traditionally designed, old church because farmers want to rent their new one as the best looking barn they've ever seen.
• The bride or her mother might also call an outside parish because they either do not know or know too well their own pastor.
• The bride or her mother call another priest because their pastor knows them all too well and refuses to have anything to do with them.
• The couple insists upon an impossible time for their ceremony because reception plans have already been completed; thoughtfully they ask, "Can the Sunday Mass be moved or can the parishioners go somewhere else?"
• Even though non-Catholics are not permitted to lector at Mass, the couple desires Mohammed Abdul to read.
• They drop the Mass for a simple service so that Abdul can read, and because communion did not make much sense to them anyway, at least not without the raisins.
• The priest tells them again that the way they have rewritten their marriage vows, "...until the death of our bank accounts do us part..." is neither civilly nor ecclesially legal, not to mention proper English.
• In the midst of all this, the priest finally gets another couple who is doing everything they are suppose to do and then he receives 23 letters from her father, who has left the Church, saying that the boy is unfit for his daughter because his great great grandfather is rumored to be a Republican and that it is wrong to mix the races.

Before the wedding:

• Interrupted by the doorbell, the priest who thought he had finally stolen a few moments to rest, discovers three hundred people outside waiting for a wedding, one for which the couple had done everything but notify him.
• The minister at a nearby Protestant church has disappeared, and the upset wedding party calls the priest next door to substitute, after all, the groom is a fallen away Catholic!
• At the rehearsal, the groom forgets to bring the marriage license (indispensable) and swears he'll remember the next day (want to bet?).
• A marriage coordinator comes to the rehearsal and spends an hour-and-a-half telling everyone their business from the bridal couple to the ushers, even listing bathroom tinkle time as tightly managed at 7:13 AM.
• After the same marriage coordinator is finished, she asks the priest, "Do you have anything to add?" and he says, "Yes, if it isn't too much to ask, can I marry these people tomorrow?"
• The groom's old girl friend is one of the maids of honor and she has been giving the bride tips on how to keep her man happy in bed.
• The bride goes "all the way" with the best man the night before, for old time's sake.
• They want to use rice at the wedding until the priest explains that it bursts the stomachs of birds and makes a terrible mess.
• They then want to throw bird seed until the priest explains that it violates insurance clauses, making it hazardous to walk, and thus making another kind of mess.
• They decide to throw rose petals instead, and because their donation will not pay for a sacristan, the priest spends the rest of the day sweeping flowers up.
• The mother and bride get into a fight over the proper way to have the guests seated and whether for the procession it is better to walk, skip, crawl, or run backwards into the church.
• The mother of the bride, still believed to be thoughtful, nails ribbons and decorations into the side of the pews.
• Uncle Fred comes to the service drunk and begins to get sick right as things begin.
• The service begins 90 minutes late and runs into a scheduled Mass and confessions.
• The florist drops off ten truckloads of flowers when the church is already packed from Easter and asks you where he can put them -- the priest is tempted to answer.
• The priest spends an hour before the wedding, now delayed once again, moving furniture and squeezing flowers into unavailable spaces.
• The bride and her mother dislike the priest's expertise flower-arranging and begin to order him to rearrange them.
• A heavy downpour of rain hits just as the bridesmaids leave the limos for the church, transforming their gowns into large full-body wet tee-shirts. (Now, the priest really has seen it all!)
• Even though the wedding party is perplexed as how to get the bride into the church without getting her drenched, the priest saves the day by wrapping her in a large plastic trash bag and carrying her inside. (Why is it no one thanks him?)

During the wedding:

• Even though the priest has come down with the flu, a 104 degree fever, and a throat which can barely utter a husky whisper; the couple want the priest to sing the Mass prayers and to stay all evening at their reception.
• The celebrant and groom are shocked to see the bride coming down the aisle in a punk-style dress, purple hair, and with carpentry nails exposed through leather for arm and ankle bracelets.
• The train on the gown is so long that two kids carry it while it runs on training wheels, and still her father trips over it.
• The bride is all dressed in white, but, being seven months pregnant, who is she trying to kid?
• The runner comes unglued from in back and begins to trail the bride and her father up the aisle.
• The photographer, with his shirt hanging out and suspenders coming undone, follows the bride and her father all the way down the aisle, ruining the runner and making a spectacle of himself.
• High-powered television lights are used to video-tape the historic occasion, blinding the celebrant and the wedding party.
• The photographer, already persona non gratis, sneaks into the sanctuary for side and frontal shots; the ceremony stops when the congregation smiles to have their picture taken.
• Uncle Fred, who is still tipsy, comes up to mumble the readings (well at least he's Catholic).
• Uncle Fred gets confused and starts singing "When Irish Eyes Are Smiling," of course, all join in.
• A "cute" child (ring bearer) drops the pillow, losing the rings into the floor heating grill, requiring a flashlight and screwdriver to retrieve, which they expect the priest to have hidden under his vestments.
• The bride has her friend, Bertha, sing a solo of "Ave Maria" (what she has neglected to say is that Bertha can not read music and is tone deaf).
• A middle-aged hippie hired by the couple, unbeknown to the organist and celebrant, begins strumming the guitar and singing that ballad from Godspell, "I don't know how to love him, . . . I've known so many other men before, etc.," telling the whole congregation more about the bride than it needs to know.
• Everyone thanks God that the solo is not a Barry Manilow song.
• Nerves, consequently, have caused the couple to forget the marriage vows which they insisted on memorizing.
• The bride forces her wedding ring unto a finger which must have grown two sizes during the night.
• With cultural additions to the ceremony, like ritual coins, flowers, crowns, veils, nuptial ropes, wedding candles, poems, and what not, the priest and congregation become confused, even with their programs.
• Being liberated, the couple dispenses with a best man and opt for two maids of honor, or rather one maid and one best woman?
• The bride goes into labor during the ceremony, and her mother implores the priest to hurry to the vows so that the kid will pop out legitimate.
• Although the rite does not explicitly include it, the priest invites the couple to kiss and they practically consummate the marriage in the sanctuary.
• The priest finds out afterwards that the so-called groom is only suppose to be a proxy for some thrice-married disgruntled Marxist in Europe.
• At the sign of peace, the non-Catholics shake hands with everyone in sight and start speaking loudly, thinking the marriage ceremony must be over.
• The people applaud, after all, even P. T. Barnum could not have put on such a good show!
• The bouquets of flowers are given to the couple's parents instead of being presented to Our Lady's altar, since Mary as a virgin seemed out of place at this wedding anyway.

After the wedding:

• A visiting priest to a nearby military chapel leaves the marriage records at a local parish which he presumes has jurisdiction, which it does not, after performing a wedding for which he neither had delegation nor a civil license.
• A rabbi of questionable repute, doing a Jewish-Catholic wedding, turns to the priest who will offer a little prayer at the end and asks, "I'm getting $500 for this deal, what's your take?" The priest says, "Nothing," to which the rabbi responds, "Sucker!" (A true story!!!)
• A couple which the priest could not marry without an annulment of a previous bond, calls to mock him, saying that the next door Episcopalian did it with no questions asked. (Where is ecumenism here?)
• If the service does not, the photographs afterwards, extend throughout confessions, causing penitents to leave, especially when the camera is turned toward them to take undercover shots for the next scandal expose of The National Inquirer.
• After the service, children race backwards and forwards in the pews, and Uncle Fred, still drunk, bets on Secretariat to win.
• A child, unattended and "still cute" takes it into his mind to open the priest's door during confessions and the priest briefly wishes the little boy's mother had attended Boston College (see earlier reference to a college?).
• More thoughtful ladies, with sharp-edged heels, stand for elevation on expensive and decorative kneeling cushions, thus puncturing them and costing the church thousands of dollars in repair bills.
• Tired bridesmaids show their reverence to God by sitting their fannies on the altar rail. (Why is the priest reminded of European gargoyles?)
• The couple has been so busy that even on their wedding night the bride says that she is too tired to consummate the vows; what is even more unusual is that her groom agrees with her, for a change.
• The priest decides not to go to the reception because as a Christian and as a minister, he has little or nothing in common with these people who have delighted him -- also he does not dance well to either heavy metal or rap.
• The families have spent $300,000 dollars on the wedding and give the church a $50 dollar donation.
• The marriage coordinator gets a check for $1500 dollars, the florist gets $950 dollars, the photographer gets $780 dollars -- and then the really important people -- the organist gets $90, the cantor $75, the altarboy $30, and the priest gets the best of all, a crisp $5 dollar bill as his stipend.
• The priest is not really concerned about the server and the organist, not to mention the others getting paid more than him, after all, he prefers to seek spiritual treasure, and because the couple's checks bounce anyway.

Return to INDEX

Revised on May 2, 1998.